About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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