he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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