I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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