if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
