The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm always down for nudity.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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