I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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