the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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