I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
