The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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