I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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