I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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