Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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