real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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