someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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