This is not my ceiling
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
