The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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