just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
