The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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