Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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