I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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