I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
