theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
