it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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