nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I understand Curling. That high.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
