i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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