I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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