Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
