Screwed.edu
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
