you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Im part way to drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
