JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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