I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Text me some of your sweat
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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