i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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