First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
