why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you traded sex for a burrito?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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