How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
