Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
