Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its about making memories worth repressing
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There r osticjed everywhere
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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