Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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