I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i black out too much to be "responsible"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
