Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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