The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
