never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said âEat Freshâ while his GF was with him. FML
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