woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
