Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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