On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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