Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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