did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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