Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
