Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
