i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
