they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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