I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize