the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
4 words: hood of his car
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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