my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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